JiveSync

We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: I have a friend who has been going through a pretty rough patch (separation/job change). She asks me often for financial help or advice, and I help when I can and give the best advice I can. I have spent time doing research for her (again, she’s asked) and found resources for her. Yet every time, she will come up with a reason why nothing I’ve suggested — besides the cash — will work. I am not giving her large sums of money. All I can ever afford is $10-$20 here or there.

I am giving her large amounts of my time when she asks for my help, and I am starting to resent her always shooting down anything I suggest without even trying it or thinking about it. I sometimes feel like she is enjoying her troubles or, at the very least, not interested in finding a solution or a way around them.

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Most of our mutual friends have stopped communicating with her, and I would like to as well. However, I also feel bad for her and would feel like I am abandoning her. She was a good friend before things went sideways for her. Can you help? (I promise I will not dismiss what you say.)

Tired: I think your best option is to be honest with your friend about why you’re questioning your friendship with her. You should ask her directly why she doesn’t want to try any of the suggestions that have been offered to her, and don’t allow her to derail the conversation by making arguments about one or two suggestions you’ve made. She needs to hear how her reactions are affecting her friendships, and she needs to hear and understand that no one wants to spend their time trying to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

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Gentle honesty is truly the best gift you can give this friend. Even if she continues in the same vein and you end up dumping her, if and when she is in therapy, you have planted a seed for her to work on.

— Sympathetic in Boston

Tired: Put up energy shields so she stops draining yours. I had a friend who had a tumultuous relationship with her mother and was constantly asking me for advice. I listened to her for hours and gave the best guidance I could — none of which was ever followed. After three years of nothing changing, I started thinking to myself, “This works for her, that’s why it hasn’t changed.”

After that, my response was always, “I’m sorry. I hope that changes soon.” Then I would change the subject. Eventually, she faded away as a friend; she wasn’t getting what she wanted from me. A few years later, we spoke again and she spent a good 20 minutes complaining about how her mother was treating her. I just thought, “Yep, it works for her.”

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— Happy VA

Tired: I think you have a symbiotic relationship. She likes to vent; you have a desire to help. The question is, do you like her enough to just listen to her vent? Can you turn off the desire to help or does that result in too much frustration for you? Neither of you is necessarily wrong for how you behave, only that you are at cross-purposes. If you can accept that she really only wants to vent (even though she asks for help — she probably likes the idea that people are paying attention to her), then you can stop putting in the effort to help solve her problems.

If it’s too much of a burden to just listen (and that’s valid), you should gently step away. Maybe not entirely, but to a point where you can listen and not have it distress you. Or you can gently tell your friend, “This is above my pay grade. You need to find someone else with better qualifications to help you.” You can even say she needs to talk to someone at such-and-such agency or a lawyer or a doctor. But after that do not go into specifics. That’s up to her to find and do.

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— Bookwormnyc

Tired: If most of her other friends have dropped her because of this problematic behavior, then it might be a kindness to gently share feedback with her about what’s driving people away. Either way, you have to decide for yourself how much time and what kind of research you are willing to do for your friend with no expectation she use it or even appreciate you, and only do that much. If that amount is zero, then tell her sorry but you don’t have time to work on her stuff. Only give what you want to and can without resentment or expectation of outcome.

She may not like it and she may choose to withdraw from you, but you won’t be abandoning her. You’ll have genuine boundaries so that you can continue to be in a functional relationship with her. How she responds is up to her.

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.

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